Monday, 27 December 2004

I had the worst christmas ever.

Let's start at the begining...

My ex, for whom I still have feelings, asked me Christmas eve if I was going to a club. I was thinking about it, coz the dude who runs the night is an old friend, and funny one at that, and when I told her I was thinking about it, she told me she was only asking because she might be with someone there... It was nice of her to tell me, but considering I was feeling as lonely as fuck anyway it was the start of a terrible holiday.

So I spent Christmas eve sleeping alone - first time in three years I didn't have someone to wake up to and get excited with and give presents to. More telling, I woke up having nightmares about needing to be hit by lightning to be accepted amongst my friends, which was weird enough as it is, but then I had nightmares about my ex being with somebody else, and THEN when I tried to wake up I dreamt I couldn't get my sleeping mask off! Great start to what should be a joyous day.

Then my mum called, and said plans had changed and that we were going to my aunts. There was no way I could get to the train on time, so I had to miss out. Then when I did try and make the train, I underestimated the time it'd take to walk to the train station, and even though I sprinted half the way, the train pulled out of the station just as I arrived. So I was sweaty and gross by the time I got to my mums. I guess it's not all bad... I got to read my book for an extra half hour.

Then I went to my friend’s house. I nearly killed a little cunt on the bus who was being racist and ignorant. There was a parade of Africans from I guess an African Church celebrating the birth of Jesus - you know, the whole reason why we were having this holiday - and this little mongaloid looking freak is saying all kinds of crap like "they're heading for their boat" and crap like that. Moreover the bus driver was agreeing with him! Sure, the driver could have been just humoring him, but still... I was going to say something, but I was still angry because of the crap I had been through earlier, and really, what can you say to a little ignorant prick like that apart from "eat shit and die, you ugly little fuck!"

Anyway, I got to my friend's house to find they were having a bad holiday as well. My friend started to tell me about it, but it must have been clear that I didn't want to hear, coz she stopped. Then my ex rocks up. I knew she was going to be there, I had a card and some CDs for her, but didn't imagine what my reaction would be. I was filled with an overbearing sense of simultaneous loss and dread. Just the thought of her with another guy made me feel so WRONG. I basically bolted as soon as I could. I feel so bad though, because the look on her face when I left was so sad. She knew I was leaving because of her.

Thing is, I don’t want to feel like this. I want to move on, like she has. And not just because she has, but because feeling like I do is absolutely fucked. I don’t like feeling sad and lonely and miserable all the time. I don't like waking up crying anymore. I want to be happy again.

More importantly I want to have a lasting friendship with my ex. She is an amazing individual and I know we can be good friends – we were good friends when going out; we rarely fought, we enjoy each other’s company, we’re just good people together. I know it is going to take time to heal, but I just wish it would all happen sooner. I don’t want to feel bad when I see her or when people talk about her, and I don’t want to make her feel bad in return.

Anyway, after that I went to some other friend’s house, but I caught the wrong bus and had to walk for about 10 minutes. At least once there I started to enjoy myself finally… maybe it was all the coopers I drank though… And on Sunday, I went to an old school friend’s house, and again missed the bus and got off at the wrong stop, but that didn’t matter too much. These are the people that, although we’ve all gone different directions – they all have young kids and live in the ‘burbs, whereas I still act like a kid (clubing, DJing, I work for a games company) and live in the city – when we get together it’s fun, fun times.

Oh, and to top all this off, I only got two presents… a bed spread from my mum & a copy of Dr Strangelove as a secret santa.

At least there’s only a few more days of the year left… 2005 has got to be a better year!

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