R U OK?

R U OK?

No, I'm really not ok.

I live in a great country which is being destroyed by people so comfortable that:

They think it's good to imprison people who flee for their lives. They have no problem with two people dying in our care, with hundreds of children imprisoned simply because they're not white and not Christian.

They think it's good to support a war with no clearly defined outcome in Iraq, even though the last TWO have achieved nothing but instability and anguish in the entire region.

They think it's good for people younger than them to pay through the arse for an education, an education they either got on the public purse, or were too stupid and lazy to achieve themselves.

They think it's fair to give young people who are looking for jobs NO MONEY for six months. There are 720,000 job seekers, and only 140,000 jobs available for them.

They think it's good to sell off a public broadcaster, and give Australia's voice in the Asia-Pacific region to a private company which is notoriously anti-Asian.

They think uncovering corruption in unions is more important than the systematic abuse of children for over 200 years by Religious Institutions.

They think having Chaplains who describe eating difficulties in a 14 year old girl as her "starving for Christ" and saying gay people should "pray away the gay" is not only acceptable, but preferable to having trained child counsellors in public schools.

Where people have marched in the streets every month, and instead of listening to the growing number of people in those streets, the Government keep cutting, shutting, and lying to us...

So, to quote Marsellus Wallace: "No man, I'm pretty f*cking far from OK."

Bioshock Infinite Review

Don't understand why gamers whined about the Mass Effect 3 ending, but praise the Bioshock Infinite ending... Seriously, that was "the twist"? I'll call it the Star Wars moment, so those not finished it won't know exactly what I'm talking about, but those who have will.

Maybe I'm hyper intelligent (which I actually refuse to believe despite all the evidence to the contrary) but I figured it out almost immediately from the start of the game.

The rest of the story was simply nonsense. None of the major enemies had the least bit of redemptive features. Most of them didn't even behave in accordance to the games story - logic. Bioshock had you actually feel for some of the characters, even if they were turds. This one I had no remorse in killing anyone, and no interest in learning more about them or their role in Columbia.

Sure, the relationship between you and Elizabeth is well developed, but it had to be. It doesn't excuse the rest of the crap.

As to the rest of the game...

The design is flawed, on many levels. For example, they give you a power and a door to unlock with the power and then YOU NEVER USE THIS MECHANIC AGAIN. Now, I'm no designer, but that's an incredibly basic design mistake. Another power is so brutally overpowered you rarely need any others.

There's NOTHING new in the level design. There's no actual puzzle solving. There's no thinking involved, for example, like in Portal. You just run through the levels and shoot.

You walk through corridors, then the area opens up and enemies come from off screen. They shoot at you, you shoot them back. If your shield disappears, you run away and then run back and shoot them back. On numerous levels I was walking around trying to find the last guy to kill so I could proceed. Fucking Star Wars Force Unleashed had that, and people sooked about it then, but just because Ken Levine and co do it, it's somehow acceptable? I don't think so!

I mean, fuck, the game has got a crouch function THAT DOES NOTHING! Use the button for something else... oh, that's right, there isn't anything in the game apart from shooting so there's actually no need for any other function. You can't interact with anyone, you can't interact with anything apart from what the game deems you to be able to act with, so there's no reason for it do anything, except crouch.

Yeah, ok, it looks pretty, but so does my cock, but there's no line of gamer nerd writers lining to suck my cock like they are Ken Levine's, so fuck you.

And to think, I could have purchased Sims 3 University Life and Sims 3 Pets have virtual keggers and with naked skin mods, directed my own XXX version of Animal House...

Bioshock Infinite gets 3.5 "fuck you gamer nerds" out of 5 "fuck you gamer nerds"

Why I hate the PS4 presentation.

In regards to the PS4, I wouldn't be hatin' if they actually showed something worth being excited about. Videos of games? Vague statements of intent using buzzwords and memes?

FUCK OFF!

Imagine if BMW did this for the launch of their latest electric car - Just a moving road, and some power poles to reinforce the notion of "electricity", but not show the car, not show the interior, not show anything at all about the car. It would quite rightly be a joke.

This announcement was just a cynical ploy to build buzz on social media, so some fuckwit in Marketing could say "we've got a million people hashtagging about #PS4" and justify his ridiculously huge salary.

From this (and all the other bullshit like Instagram's change in TOC going on) it's clear companies no longer care about providing information and solid products to consumers - as long as your flashy presentation gets 1 billion page views, that's doing your job as providing a product to the consumer.

We have a right, no, a duty, to call companies out on this kind of bullshit.

There is no doubt I will buy a next-gen console. But as a consumer I want to know
- How much it will cost.
- When will it be available.
- Will it run my old games and media content.
- Will it run on my current TV.
- Will it run on my current internet connection.
- What games will be available for launch.

If you don't or won't tell me these things, then don't tell me anything else about the fucking thing, because everything else is irrelevant.

And don't spend millions of dollars trying to tell me about these irrelevant things when those millions of dollars can be going towards keeping the cost of the damn thing down!

I made this! My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic for iOS

I made this!!!

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic for iOS

Well, me and some very talented designers, artists, and programmers at Gameloft Auckland who worked blood, sweat and tears to get this done and looking as damn good as it does!

It's available on the iTunes Store now, so go get it "for your children" :D

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic for iOS

Why I won't be playing The Secret World

Although I really enjoyed playing Funcom's The Secret World beta weekends, and really like the concept of three mystical organisations competing with each other to command the mystical and diabolic, and had similar feelings playing the game to when I played The Darkness and Alan Wake (two games I really enjoyed) I don't think I'll be playing.

1) Mostly because I won't have a computer to play it on between July 16 and probably end of July. As I'm moving countries (again) I can't really justify spending $50 on it for only two weeks of play.

2) My current PC runs the game like crap. I tried PvP and it ran like a dog - max 15 fps, average 5fps! :eek: (it's the same reason I can't play PvP in SWTOR)

3) I found it too grindy. If my main quest tells me I should go into another area, I should be able to go into another area and be able to survive. I found upon moving to Savage Coast I had HUGE difficulties with the quests. Even those I managed to complete, I never felt my character got enough experience to survive the next challenges. I realise that the exploration quests were turned off for the last weekend so my lvl was a little less than it could have been, however, it just didn't feel "fun" in the Savage Coast.

4) I don't like the skill system. Well, I do like the system, I think it's great that you can make a character in almost any way you see fit, but I think the slowness of accumulating points is very off putting. If you've got an exponential system that means you have to pay more points to go up higher ranks in the skills (so, to grow your pistol skills you have to pay 1, then 2, then 4, then 7, then 9, then 12 etc), then you should be getting more points more often as you progress, but this isn't the case in TSW.

5) Not being able to reassign points is a major put off too. I suspect this may have simply be turned off for Beta, which is fair enough, but there are some skills which are just worthless to certain builds or play styles, and you only get a feel for them after playing.

I may return to it sometime in the future, but with Guild Wars II coming out in August, I really don't know if I'll have the time or money to play it.

Sooooo... Redundancy

Who has been made redundant lately?

*raises hand*

Third time in 6 years. And I'm starting to think maybe its me... ;)

I'm not terribly upset because leaving Gameloft was a decision I had already made... it's just that it's come a hell of a lot sooner than I had planned for.

On the plus side, the package will get me through a few months in Australia.

Friday Funkbox is live!

I actually got off my arse and did this!

Friday Funkbox is up and running!!!

Head over to the webpage and subscribe!

Friday Funkbox

Every Friday at work I do this thing called "Friday Jukebox".

The purpose of this is to get people talking about my favourite love, music.

What happens is every Friday we put 4 or 5 songs in a shared music folder and play the tracks in our headphones as we work. I'll usually set up a theme, and so far the biggest response was a month ago when I selected "games" as the theme... (Not surprising, considering it's a game company)

Well, I'm going to see if I can extend this to the 'Net. And I'm going to call it Friday Funkbox.

Initially I'll have to just have my tracks until I figure out how to have other people contribute.

I'm not sure if I'll make it into a podcast, or youtube play lists, or use dropbox or something similar... whatever is easier I guess, but please stay tuned!

Until I figure it out, I strongly recommend checking out This Is My Jam, an incredibly fun little experiment in a similar vein, where users upload ONE TRACK per every 7 days. You can follow other 'jammers, and there's some awesome people on there like Wil Wheaton, Edgar Wright, and of course, FunkyJ

Review: A Clash of Kings

A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



A great follow up! Can't wait to see how they present all this in the TV series!



View all my reviews

Still here!

I'm still here!

Just nothing to blog about really... or alternatively, I've had heaps to blog about but can't.

I've already been chastised about something I posted on Facebook, and although this website is far less visible, considering the way things are going, I need to be on my best behaviour.

That, and I'm lazy.

And I've also been playing Star Wars: The Old Republic.

Seriously, all my spare time has been sunk into this game. It's an amazing MMO - and the first where I've reached the level cap, and continue to play after a couple of months.

I'll have a full review in Time Out just in time for the Australasian launch, so stay tuned.

And if you have an account, I'm playing on the Jek Jek Tar server... Look out for Funk ;)

Entry into Kotaku's Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic War competition

For the Kotaku Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: War competition

Ah Lovely Auckland...

People who read this site, people who know me, and even those people who have only met me a few times, will tell you this: I LOVE music.

People may have mixed opinions about me, some may think I'm a straight up utter prick, but they'll all agree on one thing: I LOVE music.

Even my email signature reads: Without Music, Life is an Error.

I love DJing. I love playing people new music, making mix tapes, trading music...

I'll even listen to music I might usually hate in order to find something I like (like with Dubstep. I've found heaps of stuff I like through dubstep, but then it becomes labelled - by others - as "not really dubstep". Which confuses me even more... anyway...)

One thing I'm particularly known for is going out to see bands ands DJs.

Portishead played here in Auckland last Thursday night. I've wanted to see them for so long! I missed their last tour back in the 90s, and I was going to go to Sydney to see them and that all fell through, but then I found out they were playing here, and grabbed tickets.

And they were fabulous. Really, everything I was expecting, and still amazing. There's only a few other bands who've exceeded my often admittedly high expectations - Pop Will Eat Itself, DEVO, The Flaming Lips, Muse, and Pixies.

But you know what?

The gig wasn't sold out. Wasn't even chockers.

To me, that's insane. The very idea that Portishead didn't sell out somewhere is mindboggling. That's like... the Beatles performing in 1964 and people not screaming at them for the whole concert. That's like... something I can't think of, because philosophically I can't consider a thing I'd never think about!

To put this in even greater perspective: Adelaide sold out! Within days of announcement!

Adelaide!!!

So I find myself wondering, how the hell is it I find myself living in a place where Portishead didn't sell out?

#fivewordreviews CD: PWEI - New Noise Designed By a Sadist

CD: PWEI - New Noise Designed By a Sadist:

Only Graham, but still rocking!

five word reviews???

Remember how I said I was going to do five word reviews?

Well, that kind of bit the dust when I couldn't get access to any CDs and such.

But, I've got access to Shock, Fuse, and EMI plus a few other places, so will continue them forthwith.

Review: A Game of Thrones

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

My rating: 5 of 5 stars



Although I am "one of those" who started with the TV series, the intrigue of the series made me want to read the book, see where the book deviated, and hopefully figure out a bit more about the world and the characters relations to each other for the next series.



View all my reviews

Don't get angry at Google, get angry at the Government

So, a whole bunch of moronic dipshits are pissed at Google for not allowing Android Marketplace in Australia according to ZDNet. Guess what idiots - it's NOT Google's fault!

Do you think they deliberately want to hold back their market? Do you think they want to stop people in Australia watching things on their phones? Do you think they're sitting in their ivory towers, cackling with evil glee that they've fucked Australia over?

Of course not!

And do you have such short attention spans that you forget it took the Apple iTunes Store TWO YEARS to launch in Australia after the USA Launch? What's the difference here - you've learned to whinge more about more useless shit in the last 5 years?

This is SOLELY the Government's fault - both the current Labor Government and the former Liberal Government.

They have continued to bow to USA pressure to sign the DMCA, which restricts consumer rights and access to international content, and continue to bend over backwards to Sony, EMI, News Limited and other media and distribution companies to stop the free flow of content into Australia through price fixing and geo / region locking.

The governments claim it's to protect local industries... but we all know that's bullshit. How is getting to see Torchwood at the same time as the British and Yanks going to impact the filming of Neighbors?

If you want things like Google Android Market, Spotify, Turntable.FM, Hulu - you need to fight for it. You need to petition, protest, agitate, and defy the Government and Opposition and Greens on these matters, and let them know consumer rights are more important than protecting local companies profits.

We live in a democratic capitalist economy. If a local company can't complete with an international, especially when they're OWNED by another international company, they don't deserve protection.

EDIT:
And if you don't believe me that the Governments of the world are in collusion with copyright companies, the Wikileaks scandal proves that the the very least New Zealand has been: New Zealand's Three Strikes Paid by USA

Google Plus

OK, so I've got Google Plus.

http://gplus.to/funkyj is my site. Feel free to look me up and add me to your circles.

I've read that Blogger might be re-branded eventually, and so I'm hoping they integrate everything together nicely.

Falling Skies

Seriously, who keeps giving these people money to make these TV shows?

Sure, ok, if I were a deaf, blind mute who had just been living in a cave in Nowherekistan and just returned to full cognitive ability recently, I might possibly enjoy this show.

But because I'm 38 years old and have been exposed to a fair amount of pop- and not so pop-culture in these last 38 years, like most people in the Western world, the show has absolutely no merit at all.

What's the point stomping over trodden ground, using the same story and same stereotypes and same shit over and over again?

This makes me hate reality TV shows even more. Because we're so starved for anything not so incredibly vile and lame, we praise mediocrity as if it's the second coming.

I am just so disappointed after United States of Tara - a rich, unusual, funny, and touching series.

This is how it feels? Nah!

So, I woke up with this song in my head today...

This is How it Feels - by Inspiral Carpets covered by Carter USM.

I know, I know - J you miserable bastard! you're thinking... but if I may channel Andrew P Street here for a moment and pontificate brilliantly about music...

More importantly, I think, it was this version, by Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine, in my head.

As they take what is a beautiful yet utterly miserable song about the depressive condition of modern life, and turn it into a sideshow of noise and a celebration of the absurd, which is utterly brilliant.

Because no matter how miserable life may seem, it's forever more absurd than miserable, and I for one love that about live.

And after getting excited about playing music again, this happens...

And after getting excited about playing music again, this happens...

A note on the turntable.fm website:

We're very sorry, but while we would love to let you in and rock out with us, we need to currently restrict turntable access to only the United States due to licensing constraints.

We are working very hard to try and get you in as soon as possible.

If you believe this is a mistake and you are located in the United States, please e-mail help [at sign] turntable dot fm

Again, sorry, and we hope to see you soon.

Billy Chasen
CEO

Fuck you music industry. Fuck you with a pole, sideways.

I was exposing this great music to people who can't even buy it on CD or on itunes because you're too fucking ignorant and scared to promote outside of Australia!