Saturday, 12 April 2008

Shocked and Ashamed

I normally don't write about personal things on this blog, but this has me so perplexed.

The other night I was really drunk, and someone gave me a shot of Chartreuse and I don't remember much after that, but I since discovered I sent my ex some very troubling sms's. I only vaguely remember sending them, but the content of them has me really ashamed at myself.

I abused her for my insecurities.

The thing is, I don't blame her for anything, and I don't feel that I have many insecurities, and I can't understand why I would send that.

It's certainly very out of character for the way I feel about life right at the moment.

I feel on top of the world. I love Melbourne, I'm making some great friends, I still have great friends back home, my job is wonderful and everyone there is glad I'm on the team and telling me I'm doing a really great job. The project is going fine and I can see multiple paths of direction I want to take my life.

My feelings for her have never been better since we broke up. She's getting engaged to a really cool guy, loving her life in the UK, doing well in her job, and I'm really happy she's happy.

I've never felt better about myself and my life. I've finally taken control of my life and my actions and feel the consequences of those actions are my own.

So why the hell did I abuse her in such a way, and so suddenly out of the blue?

I feel so ashamed. I really can't understand it.

I'm thinking maybe I wrote it as a joke or something, but that still doesn't make sense - how could she know it was a joke? Yes, the message was cut off - like I sent it accidentally, but that still doesn't excuse it.

It was stupid and idiotic, and I am at a loss to explain it.

It was so... schizophrenic of me.

I sent a message apologising, but I don't expect her to forgive me.

On the plus side, it's made me seriously consider giving up drinking for a while.

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